Readers' Digest

**appear in other blogs

0000-000-001 – Ungratefulness
A Wall-Street-looking guy was walking through the streets of New York City, totally attentive to the smart phone he was scrolling through, when a gangster-looking guy walked up to him and shouted, “Yo homie! Your wife bangs!”

The Wall-Street-looking guy turned around, punched him in the face and shouted in a Peter Griffin voice, “You son of a $*&@!!!” YOU were supposed to be anonymous!!!”


0000-000-002 – I Had A Dream
Once I had a dream that me and that chick that played Gretchen Wieners in Mean Girls were stranded on a tiny island in the far east. The nearest country to it was China, which was 2 000 miles away. There was no form of civilization, animal life or other people there but the two of us. And the only thing we had with us was the clothes we had on and her cellphone. The only number in her cellphone was her mom’s who was about 5 000 miles away so we were basically hopeless…

…then that proverbial bulb appeared lit over my head and then came my ingenious idea. Being that we were going to die one way or the other, either from starvation or the inflictions of the violent weather that would ravage us under the open night sky, we agreed to take the next best step, and hopefully, die honorably.

The plan was to go skinny-dipping in the shark-infested sea and hopefully become shark bait in order to save us from the boredom of dying of starvation.

Hence, the derobing began. She was first to take her clothes off to prove how loyal she was to our plan. So I followed suit. (No pun intended.) Shirt first, then pants, and but underwear was left. With a bit of hesitation at first I made Flash Gordon seem 19th century.

Then a totally new saga unfolded. (Definitely no pun here either.) She took a quick glance at my mid-section, and with her jaws dropped to the, um, sand, she rushed towards her cellphone, picked it up and dialed the only number that was on speed dial. And the conversation went a little something like this (In that same Gretchen Wieners voice):

“Mom?! Mom?! Yes mom!
Now I know why they can’t find the Loch Ness Monster!”


0000-000-003 – Quantum Of Ridanculousness
I was walking down the streets of San Francisco one bright and sunny evening when a bloke walked up to me and expressed how handsome I was.

I punched him in the face.

So I dishonoured the first and probably most vital commandment of the Mafia: ‘Violence is to be used only where there is/are no witness(es).

So the bystander who happened to be a FBI agent asked why I did it and I happened to have the perfect reason that would get me off the noose.

I explained to him, “I was in LA about 2 hours earlier with this smoking hot and petite supermodel-type chick. (Who was wearing a cheerleading outfit.) {Drools}) She told me I was pretty and I was not willing to accept anything less from anyone.”


0000-000-004 – Serendipity
I was the last eligible bachelor left alive, who happened to be the king of the last kingdom left reigning. There were only six gorgeous women left alive. (Wearing cheerleading outfits.) It was time for only one of them to sit on the chair beside me so I must choose precisely.

On the outside they all looked the same grade of refine, gorgeous and petite so I was left confuse. Being that no one has ever been on the inside of any of them I was left without an opinion.

I sought help from my seven wise men and four wise women to no avail so I fired them all. HELP WANTED! I guess.

I pondered…

As a wise man would and should, I thought it was ungodly to break a woman’s heart so it wasn’t my right to choose one of the six and leave the other five out in the cold. Then that annoying but equally relevant bulb appeared over my head, in a land and time where man has unlearned the existence of electricity.

The perfect idea once more. I decided that instead of having the sin on my soul from breaking their hearts I would let them break their own hearts, literally.

I suggested they settled the score the way my ancestors would let them do it aka Gladiator style aka ‘Let ‘em fight’.

I gave the six chix a knife each. All sharpened to the same grade, for I wanted it to be a fair battle, and let them into the arena. I also let them keep their cheerleading outfits on for the extra entertainment. I should haft charged the thousands of spectators a PPV fee but I was a rock star kinda king so I gave them all free passes; and a complementary bottle of Whiskey.

Soon it was one chick left standing and nothing left lying but gore. (Picasso be envious.) I noticed she had a wound to her leg and in a few minutes she passed out. I had her stretchered into the palace and had my doctor checked her but she flatlined. I was down to zero chix.

What’s a king to do?

I the other morning I picked up the Times and realized there was a job opening for the Dalai Lama position so I quitted the kingdom and spent the rest of my life wearing a monk’s outfit.


0000-000-005 – The Mirror Has One Face On Backwards
I was taking some extra math lessons at a religious school while I was in high school. A bunch of practicing nuns, on a regular basis would visit the head nun who was running the school. They wore full grey outfits lined with a white streak, identical to the ones those in Orphan wore.

It was quite customary for me to hang out and chat with a few of them just below the entrance to the classroom where I would have my classes, while I was waiting for the teacher to arrive.

One afternoon I found myself sitting quite attentively among six of those very well cultured, well refined and equally beautiful women wearing the same kind of uniform I described above. They explained that they had on cheerleading outfits earlier. The only relic I had in my possession that made me belong was a wooden Jesus piece I wear every now and then with the hope it would give the impression I am a Saint. I decided to play devil’s advocate by throwing a world of charm in their direction so I tucked in my Jesus piece and got the macking on.

I explained to one of the two who were sitting on my lap how petite and gorgeous she was. I told her I wanted to complement her with a hug of hulk proportions to complement her perfect genes but she was so fragile she might break. She blushed her way into oblivion and it was the first I witnessed a human being disappeared into thin air. I was down to five chix, I mean, soon-to-be nuns. Like Alonzo Harris would say, “Charles Manson ain’t got nothing on me.”

Still I gest. The teacher was approaching and my time to depart from these perfect creatures was at hand but I decided I wanted to spend every bit of the final nanosecond with them so I decided I would enter the classroom after the teacher.

The nuclear reactor beneath my cranium kicked into full throttle mode and words fell from my lips like manner from heaven to a blind man. (Move over Jimmy Neutron.) The lyrics were so sophisticated that they would make William Shakespeare stutter; Sir Walter Scott envious; or Sir Winston Churchill yelp.

Just as the teacher was passing us I laid it down on them thick like this: “Madams, I must confess that whilst in your presences a nerd like yours truly does feel the need to ditch class. I definitely won’t succeed in life if God continues to make such beautiful, feminine and fragile creatures and call them women.”

The teacher overheard us and turned around and exclaimed, “But that’s the right way to go.”

And I replied, “Yeeeeeash!”


0000-000-006 – Extremism 2.0 aka The Other Side Of Extremism
An African American single father joined the Navy. He was deployed in Iraq. He sent his son to a boarding school in Harlem run by priests. He did eighteen months in Iraq, returned home and had his son with him.

They were both enthused to see each other so one can imagine there were an awful lot of questions.

The son asked his father why he chose to become a soldier and he said he had limited options and the military was best of them all. The son took the opportunity to enlighten his father that his teacher pointed out that the students at the school whose parents were serving in the security forces should be proud because they were doing God’s work. The son stated that the teacher even quoted the bible to support his argument.

“What exactly did he quote?” the father asked.

The son replied “Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall pop a cap in an Arab’s ass.”

The FBI shut down the school and charged the priest with teaching extremism... to minors.


0000-000-007 – Ambiguity 2.0
Four kids from the hood were poking fun at each other one day when one of them came up with a very clever joke. His friends were left dumbfounded by his wit and the second one exclaimed, “Man you’re trifling like a tranny.”

The third one in the group who was unfamiliar with the phrase asked, “What’s a tranny?”

“A transvestite,” answered the first in a hurry.

The fourth kid asked curiously, “So what exactly does my bro mean when he refers to my grandmother as granny?”

“Gransvestite?” exclaimed the third one.


0000-000-008 – Rock Star Resentment
Two rock stars were conversing over a fire at Woodstock one night when one of them begged of the other to give him some constructive advice on a particular issue.

He was so astonished by the advice his friend gave him that he yelled, “You effing rocks!”

His friend replied in a correcting voice, “Contrary to the advice I’ve just given you I can imagine that indulging in such an activity does destroy the most important tool God has given to the male species.”


0000-000-009 – The Effin What?! (Reprise)
A trooper was patrolling state borders when he heard a funny sound suddenly developed under his vehicle. He decided he would have it checked out. Approximately 5 miles up the street there was a very nice and convenient establishment with an automated mechanic shop on it. He parked outside, hopped out his vehicle and entered the shop. The first thing he noticed was a young man, who was wearing a company overall with the shop name and logo on it, standing in front of a large monitor that was playing a video that was demonstrating a set of camshafts in operation.

“Watching porn so early lad?” the trooper asked.

“Huh?” the mechanic replied in bewilderment.

“I hope you are well aware that, judging from what I have analyzed from that video you are showing there, such activities are illegal in this state,” the trooper added.

The mechanic was even more lost by this and asked, “What exactly do you see when you look at that video?”

The trooper replied, “Plato’s allegory of homosexuality.”


0000-000-010 – Saving Private Forest Gump (Classic)(Reprise)**
A set of troops from the 101st Airbourne were patrolling about 50 miles outside The Green Zone in Iraq when they came under a surprise attack by insurgents. A roadside bomb exploded and it ripped their body armors to shreds. The attack was fatal for all but two of them.

Special Sergeant Miller who was standing on guard realized that Corporal Black who was lying down by the roadside was hit in the leg by a piece of shrapnel. They hoped rescue would arrive before the insurgents but, judging from the shouting they were hearing in a distance, they realized the insurgents would arrive first.

Unable to sit up, Corporal Black shouted out to Sergeant Miller, “I think this is the time when you must apply what you have learnt in training.”

“Any ideas?” Sergeant Miller asked.

“You see, being that I’m wounded, it’s easy for me to lay here and play dead,” Corporal Black stuttered. He added, “You don’t seem to be wounded so I would suggest you do it yourself before the enemy arrives.”

Corporal Black handed Sergeant Miller his service pistol and he shot himself in his foot with it and lay down beside Corporal Black by the roadside. Corporal Black began to laugh hysterically and this got Sergeant Miller puzzled.

“What’s so funny now?” Sergeant Miller asked.

Corporal Black replied, “See, we have been best friends from first grade school and you have been totally loyal to me. Should we get killed or captured by the enemy I have something I must get off my chest but, being that I’m wounded and can’t run I figured I must get you in the same position first before I break the bad news to you.”

“And what bad news is that?” Sergeant Miller asked demandingly.

Corporal Black continued to laugh hysterically, squirmed in a bit of pain, hesitated, then exclaimed, “Oh boy! Life’s a b***h ain’t it?”

Sergeant Miller had lost all patience by this so he demanded, “What is the bad news dammit?”

Corporal Black answered stuttering hesitantly, “I-I-I have been sleeping with your wife.”


0000-000-011 – Literallity 101
While I was living in the sticks, as kids, we used to gather by the fireside at nights with the elders and they used to tell us stories. A lot of these stories were actually parables that usually end with, “And the moral of the story is…” That would leave us wide open and they would capitalize on the opportunity to spit some fundamental logic in our ears. These logics were usually ladened with a lot of traditional sayings.

One of my elders’ favourite closings was, “Remember to be humble now for ‘the humblest calf sucks the most milk’.”

I made a note of that saying and vowed that whenever I become and adult I would only date lactating moms.


0000-000-012 – The Impossiblest Mission
During the quell of World War II nine of the oddest people on earth found themselves keeping each others’ company in one of Hitler’s primary bunkers: a Jew, a Nazi, a devout Roman Catholic, a Japanese, a Russian colonel, a British commander, a United States general, an Arab and a Buddhist monk.

The eight guys took a look at the nun and the Japanese asked, “Who’s first?”


0000-000-013 – Follow The White Rabbit (Reprise)
After being married for ten years a very loyal African American couple decided that they wanted to add a little more spontaneity to their intimate sessions. They went to the local library and did some reading and used the internet to do some advance research. While on the internet they learned about role playing but they were also encouraged to seek the advice a psychologist for some face-to-face advice.

They went to visit the psychologist and she told them that they should approach every obstacle in life with an open mind and they should live life by one main creed: ‘variety is the spice of life and it is better to do one thing many ways than to do many things one way.’

On their way home the couple made a stop at their local hardware store and bought some ‘regular’ household items.

During the night, around 10pm, the couple felt the urge to get intimate so they agreed to have a shot at this new ‘role playing’ thing. (Definitely no pun intended here.) The wife dressed her husband in an overall; painted his hands and face white; put a ski mask on him; gave him the loaded .380 revolver they had in the safe; sent him outside the house and locked all doors and windows; activated the alarm system and told him that he would have to break in through the attic and hold the gun to her head and ‘take it’.


0000-000-014 – Cyclic Acornymizing Redundancy“…and FYI which, FYI, means FYI…”


0000-000-015 – An Ever Cleverest Limerick (For Elder Linguists)**
There once existed a self-centered prick
Whose attitude would make a leper sick
For it was without cynicism
He died of an overdose of narcissism
Then the coroner discovered he had a limp shtick


0000-000-016 – Run Phat Girl Run
After a few years missing from her community a promising student decided to give her old church a visit. She was six months pregnant. The pastor asked her what happened to all those dreams she had in high school. She told him that she still maintains her optimism despite this one minor speed bump. She further explained that track and field is her true passion and she can pursue it outside of school.

The pastor replied, “You might need a lesson in safety first for I can see you have been pole vaulting without your protective gears.”


0000-000-017 – The Godfather
I learned in Sunday school that I should always shun the appearance of evil, no matter what. When I was a prodigy in my teens a gang member approached me with the intention of recruiting me into his gang and offered me drugs. I told him to ‘eff off.

Word spread that Harry’s got a potty mouth and it reached the most important person in my life’s ears: my Math teacher. He asked what it was all about and I told him the full story. He pointed out that I’m a very logical thinker and that he was more than curious to find out why I chose to fight fire with fire. I told him that I combined a principle I have learnt in Sunday school with a principle I have learnt in his Math classes. He told me to elaborate and I took the chalk from him and wrote the following equation on the chalkboard: – x – = +


0000-000-018 – Cavemen Say The Darnest Things
Realizing that I was something of a visionary a wise man of the Buddhist faith once asked me what was the driving force behind my innovation and I said to him, “Cavemen were tired of eating raw meat so they invented fire.”


0000-000-019 – Stewy Neutron
A married couple, who had a five year old son decided to get a divorce. The agreement they settled on allowed the son to live with the father.

The father moved to a suburban community in the summer and got a job to work for a software company as a stay-at-home father. One day his son saw some kids playing football in the neighbor’s yard and picked up his ball and sought his father’s permission to go and play with them. The father told him that he would allow him to as long as he promised he would obey the rules.

The son asked what the rules were and his father explained, “No weed-smoking; no hard drugs; no drinking of any alcohol of any sort; no swearing; no hotwiring the neighbour’s car; no joyriding; no hacking of any government computers; no attempt to develop any nuclear weapon; no guns; no hollering at the neighbour’s wife; no spraying of any graffiti on the neighbour’s house or fence; no gang beating; no assaulting of any police officer or any other serviceman; and most importantly, no trying to contact the families form their previous community that took out the restraining order against him for firebombing their houses.”

By this the kid’s face was as red as a furnace and smoke was almost coming out of his ears. He threw the ball at his father, threw a tantrum and blurted out, “That’s not fair! I wanna go live with mom!”


0000-000-020 – Fool’s Gambit Denied (For Grandmasters)
In the future I invented a time machine, travelled back through time and found myself in ancient India playing chess against Confucius. Among the spectators in the VIP lounge were Mother Teresa, Buddha, Sigmund Freud and the Dalai Lama.

I opened with Damiano Defence then I played Queen’s Gambit in the next few moves. Confucius accepted and I mated him in four. I got a standing ovation.

Being the cocky bastard I am (sarcasm), I did the ‘grandmaster dance’ and exclaimed, “In your face homie!”

Freud walked over to the table and expressed delight in my chess-playing skills. I sat down back at the table and shouted at him, “Analyze that!” while I sipped on a cocktail brewed from a mixture of ancient Chinese and Indian herbs.

He ‘hmmmed’ for a while and seemed awfully confused then said in a calm yet puzzling voice, while scratching his head, “I don’t get it. Technically your personality doesn’t exist. It’s like the 50-foot shark.”

I decided to challenge his level of intellectualism by pressing, “Speak English.”

He continued, “It’s the one that everybody knows is out there but nobody has ever seen or encountered.”


0000-000-021 – Disorder In The Court
Upon returning home from work one evening a man found a letter under his door summoning him to attend court for domestic disturbance. Obviously his neighbour filed the claim.

On the day of the hearing the man was disappointed to find out that the judge presiding over the case was a very conservative woman who is usually assigned to cases involving violent rapes and other very violent abuses against women.

The judge let the woman take the stand first so that she could explain what the conflict was all about. She explained that she was disgusted with the fact that her neighbor only listens to rap music that was very degrading to women.

The judge asked the man if this was at all true and he explained that he does listen to music with very explicit content but he only does so in the privacy of his home after he comes home from a hard day’s work in the evenings. He further explained that he tries his best to keep his sound system at a volume that can hardly be heard from the outside.

The judge asked the woman if the man’s claims were true and she hesitantly admitted that they were. Judging from the woman’s subliminal gestures, the judge soon became suspicious that she had something else against the man and had soon became lenient towards him.

In an attempt to get a clearer understanding of what was up the woman’s sleeve the judge asked her if she was certain she was not making all the effort to blow things out of proportion in order to make the man look like a violent offender but the woman failed to reply while hanging her head down.

After a bit more probing into the matter the judge finally discovered that the only way the woman could have heard the music the man was listening to is if she came out of her house, walk to the far end of her garden and stand beside the fence which was much closer to the man’s house than hers.

The judge extrapolated that the woman might have been eavesdropping and proposed the possibility of the man filing an invasion of privacy claim.

The woman finally blurted out, “Look! I don’t want anybody calling me bitch or ho.”

The judge, who was displeased with this outburst, looked at the bailiff and said snickeringly, “What’s her problem? If I should reveal to the court the things my husband calls me in the privacy of our bedroom they would set Charles Manson free and let him do his time.”


0000-000-022 – Angel And Demon
I was christened a Saint but when I was growing up the girls wouldn’t let me be. In my senior year in high school I was close to this pastor man whom, he and his wife, had a very beautiful daughter. Soon I was living the double life she had corrupted me into living. (Boys always get the blame.)

Because of my ‘saintly’ ways the parents welcomed me into their house but the daughter always had a scheme devised to get me to help her with her mathematics homework like Cady Heron did with Aaron Samuels.

The parents usually go to church in the evening leaving us doing math with, “Be good now.”

As soon as they were out the front door we would end up fooling around like Cady Heron and Aaron Samuels did.

One fine evening things took a mutually dramatic turn that would change the way the Gods would view Saints forever. As they left for church, in their car, it began to rain and we got a little bit more than heated. (No oxymoron intended.) A new item was introduced to our fooling around session: birthday suits.

Little did we know the heavy rains have prevented 99% of the congregation from attending church. The parents were on their way back home and we were on our way towards catastrophe.

It was raining so heavily that we could neither hear the car driving up to the house nor the house door open. I take it their commonsense told them that being that my schoolbag was still on their couch I was still somewhere around the yard and being that their daughter’s books were still on the table she was still around the yard also.

As if we were lost they began to search but they unconsciously chose the most obvious place first. We didn’t hear the bedroom door opening but I saw them entered and it was way too late to conceal anything.

I rolled over and faced the parents waiting for the shotgun to go off but things took a rather ‘odd’ twist. Instead of being mad the pastor looked rather flabbergasted. Holding his wife’s hand, he said to her curiously, “You gotta wonder. If God created man in his own image who created him?”


0000-000-023 – Il Cattivo, Il Brutto Without Il Buono
Scene 1 – Act 1
Sir Winston Churchill was addressing parliament one beautiful day when he and one of his counterparts from the other side clashed. In an attempt to weaken his gesture she shouted at him, “You’re drunk.”

He replied, “And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning.”

Scene 2 – Act 1
Sir Winston Churchill was addressing parliament on another occasion when he clashed with another of his counterparts from the other side and she took opportunity to take a jab at him as usual. She enlightened him, “If you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee."

He replied confidently, “If you were my wife, I'd drink it.”

Scene 3 – Act 1
I was standing at the mall one day when, out of the blue, some high roller cat with a strikingly gorgeous chick on his arm walked up to me and exclaimed, “Damn! You’re one ugly mofo.”

I replied “Damn! Your wife is one gorgeous b***h.”

She blushed but tried to hide it. She got caught blushing.

Rumour has it, from that day they went home until this day, he has been beating her for being unfaithful to him.


0000-000-024 – The Damned Paradox
Studies have shown that 9 out of 10 fans of The Vagina Monologue are misogynists.


0000-000-025 – How Many Ostriches Does It Take To Screw… Forget It
Me and one of my homies were on a street corner indulging in one of our regular intellectual raps. We were discussing humanity traits and I made mention of the Tibetan Monks. A ‘man of the cloth’ overheard our conversation and decided to make his contribution.

He asked us why were we discussing a people that are so far away from our civilization and I explained to him that I made a reference to the people of the earth who live the simple and humble life and I eventually made mention of the monks.

He replied, “Whenever I think of humility I think of my wife.”

My homie, who was standing close beside me, silently nudged me and squeezed in a giggle.


0000-000-026 – Swordfish Rewrite (Alternate Opening)
“You know what I like about Hollywood? All the chicks over there want my…”


0000-000-027 – To Russia With Love, And Revenge
A British politician’s wife was going through their mail for the first time when she found her husband’s credit card bill in the stack. She opened it and was shocked to find out there were a random number of unusually large credits made to a gentleman’s club.

She confronted him on the matter in the evening when he came home and he didn’t have many excuses before admitting that, while on his way from work, he and his cronies, from time to time, visit a strip club in the city before going home. His wife was very furious about this discovery and started to sob bitterly.

She lamented in tears, “All these years I’ve been faithful to you. You’ve always been ranting and raging about trying new things with me to spice up our relationship but it never came to me that you would actually try things without me. Has it ever occurred to you that all those money that you’ve spent on strippers could have been spent on lingerie and exotic outfits for me so that I could perform the acts for you that these strippers do?”

“It’s not about you hun,” he replied, “It’s just that I wanted a breather, that’s all. I’ve not even been involved with these women. All they do is dance for us.”

“Shame on you!” the wife exclaimed, “I want a vacation and I’m going alone!”

She went to the bedroom, slammed the door behind her and proceeded to research vacations on her laptop.

The next morning things were not as usual. The husband woke up to an empty bed with a note beside him reading ‘Have to leave early. Didn’t want to wake you. Gone to Moscow. Be back in two weeks.’

He felt uncomfortable with the whole situation and especially the fact the she left without him getting the chance to say goodbye so he decided that he would track her down the next evening and surprise her.

He landed in Russia in the night and found the hotel where his wife was staying. He checked with the receptionist, provided her with proof of who is wife was and requested booking information about her. The receptionist confirmed that she was actually booked in that hotel but she was out for the night. She explained that he could either wait in the lounge for her or have the hotel’s shuttle service take him to the location she was currently at and he chose the latter.

After driving for about a mile they stopped in front of a very exotic establishment. The politician hopped out of the vehicle and entered the building. He was greeted by an atmosphere of ambient club music and the howl of grown men. It wasn’t long before he realized that he was in a strip club.

There were tables all around him with women in lingerie stuffed with money dancing on poles. He heard a shout behind him, “Wohoo! Touch your toes you naughty girl!”

He turned around and, lo and behold, it was his wife.


0000-000-028 – An Offer I Couldn’t Refuse
Back in the day I used to be friends with this smoking hot chick. She looked at lot like Scarlett Johansson. We were both taking extra math lessons together. Very modest and very saintly she was by nature. Our friendship was merely formal being that she was married.

I was invited over her house from time to time to teach her math. She pointed out to me that she never considered it polite to give her neighbours the impression that she had a boyfriend on the side so, should I come over and her husband was at the front I should enter through the back door.


0000-000-029 – A Stunning Find
99% of scientists are homeless for they don’t live in a home they rather live in a lab.


0000-000-030 – Hypocrisy Of The Lamb
A filmmaker came up with the very brilliant idea of making a documentary that would paint the most graphic picture of the most gruesome murders ever committed. He explained that being that murders of such nature was on the rise in his society he chose to make such a film as an attempt to discourage the ones committed in premeditation.

After reviewing the footage shot to make the film, the authorities started questioning their sources. After a period of verbose investigation into the matter the authorities discovered that the filmmaker himself committed these murders.


0000-000-031 – Here’s A Joke
Satan went to heaven and walked into a convenient store. An angel at the counter asked, “The eff’s your problem?!”


0000-000-032 – Bring Out The Plastic Surgeons aka I Got Self Esteem
I used to think there was only fat and skinny then I discovered I got really bad breath in the mornings.


0000-000-033 – Yet Another Joke
A yeti walked into a village in Kenya…


0000-000-034 – We’ve Actually Met
Ever heard of the Astrologer who was a Libra? She could never decide whether or not one’s future would bear positive or negative fruit.


0000-000-035 – All’s Well That Ends Well
There was a wise man who would do literally anything to avoid conflict. He finally got his heart’s desire one day when he got caught in a time warp.


0000-000-036 – What Would Einstein Do?
A very promising film student attending a very prestigious college of the performing arts, in his final year, decided to produce a documentary for his final course work. The Perfect Formula would seek to solve all of the problems humanity faces.

After identifying all the problems and applying all logic to ‘the formula’, the student realized that there was no such thing as a perfect formula being that for any solution mankind could find for any particular problem it faces, that solution would, in turn, create another problem. He eventually scrapped the project.

Disheartened, he resorted to plan B. He committed suicide.


0000-000-037 – Deal Or No Dice
A very wealthy Arabian prince walked into an al-Qaeda recruiting office and proceeded to fill out a form to become a martyr. The attendant asked him why he chose that path and he explained that it wasn’t for the money but, being that he wasn’t the most handsome guy around town he could do with the six virgins.

“Fair enough,” the attendant replied and left him to finish fill out the form.

Before signing the dotted line the prince made a rather unusual request, “I was wondering, being that I choose not to collect the money, could I get three of my virgins on earth then receive the other three in heaven whenever the task is complete?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the attendant “but we’ve been given strict orders to follow the rules by the book so I guess that won’t be possible.”

“Shucks!” shouted the prince, “there goes my good luck!” He placed the form on the attendant’s desk and headed for the exit.

“Are you not satisfied with our terms and conditions?” the attendant asked.

“No dice!” exclaimed the prince while exiting the building.


0000-000-038 – The Incredible Hunk
In math class in high school I learned that ‘variety is the spice of life’ and it’s better to do one thing many ways than to do many things one way. We were urged to apply that exact principle when solving mathematical problems.

I practiced it, mastered it, got bored of it and decided to experiment elsewhere. I applied the same principle when macking the chicks and furthermore, during the post-macking process, if you know what I mean. (Hint: A pastor man once told me that fornication is sin only if I look at the girl’s face while we do it.)

These chicks confess that ever since, they find themselves in a dilemma; nowadays when they are with their ‘people’ all they think about is me.


0000-000-039 – Things That Make You Go Hmmmm!
There was a far-right pastor that believed in executing sinners. Then he went on to preach that all babies are born in sin.


0000-000-040 – Extreme Measures
After having my fair share of nightmares with Freddy Kruger in them, I decided to start sleep with a machete in my hand. What can I say? I’m not going out without a fight.


0000-000-041 – What’s Beef?
Back in the day one a my main cats hit me up on the horn to inform me that I should watch my back because a certain rival cat was plotting to stick me. I pondered with what magnitude I should consider this threat harmful. I decided I would do some recon and analyze the data I receive.

I asked my main cat what was this other cat’s last name and he said Tucker. A gut feeling told me to ask what the first name was and he said Dick.

I went home and slept comfortably well that night.


0000-000-042 – The Thin Line Between Good And Evil
Freedom of expression is videotaping your wife while she dresses up and gives you a lap dance in the privacy of your home.

Exploitation is dubbing the tape and selling it to your friends for $59.95.


0000-000-043 – An Unusual Urge
I have an unusual urge to walk into a well-packed church full of crusaders, wearing a platinum Celtic Jesus piece with my birth stone in it and throw up fingers like Churchill, grab my nutz and shout, “In the name of Eisenhower, FUCK DRUGS!!!”


0000-000-044 – More Than A Few Problems
The problem with living with principles is that it is insulting to oppressors and morons.
The problem with quick fixes is that they lack adventure.
The problem with extremist thinking is that it shuts down the part of the brain used for logical thinking.
The problem with over-obsessive moms is that they always want their sons for themselves.


0000-000-045 – Food For Thought
It is rumoured that, before cubism, Picasso once experimented with a style of painting called broadbrushing. After countless number of tries he realized that all of his finished works yielded the same result: they all came out in one singular colour (Redundancy necessary). It was then that he made the conclusion, and instilled in himself, the state of mind, that this is not the method to use when handling situations.


0000-000-046 – This Once A Naughty Boy… And Then Some
I was at a very convenient spot with three smoking hot yet overly self-conscious ladies. They stood in front of a mirror and assumed their daily chore: rediscovering and exponentially exaggerating their abominable flaws.

Said lady numero uno, “My hairline is so weird.”

Lady numero dos mutualized (if there’s such a word), “My pores are huge.”

Numero tres couldn’t help herself, pun intended, “My nail beds suck.”

Once a groupie, twice a groupie, always a groupie, I joined them and lamented in relish, oxymoron intended, “I have a ridiculously huge penis.” (In the exact tone of voice, pun again, Hugh Grant would use in Notting Hill.)

Not quite the hospitable response I was anticipating being an outsider, they replied in a disgustful chorus, “Ew!”


0000-000-047 – Hmmm
Why is there a special name for the big finger (thumb) and there isn’t a special name for the big toe?


0000-000-048 – The Known Unknown
I was explaining to a bunch of guys that there can be one of two outcomes from spanking a lady:

1. She can consider you a caveman, hence, landing you in the pen. Pun intended.
2. She can enjoy it so much that she has to tell her friends about it. In this case you wouldn’t have enough hands, pun intended, to spank the multitude you have coming your way.

Should the latter persists I then proceed to do the ‘beat it up right’ dance.


0000-000-049 – Once Upon A Time In Korea
So I met this Korean exchange student once. His name was Tap Suck Tung.


0000-000-050 – LMFAO
Doom III for kids.


0000-000-051 – ROFL
Far Cry for kids.


0000-000-052 – ROFLMFAO (It Gets Better)
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas for toddlers.


0000-000-053 – Invented By Yours Truly
Life’s like a Rubik’s cube. When one colour is out of place all colours are out of place.


0000-000-054 – Chicago: Court Scene (Reprise)
A man was brought to court on suspicion of murdering his wife. Based on his signature dapper-style dressing the judge guessed he was with the mafia so he inquired. The man denied this allegation out of fear that him admitting to this claim would make him appear more guilty of the murder.

The judge stated that he had proof that he and his wife had countless numbers of violent fights over suspicion that he had cheated on her and lied about it. The proof was his wife’s sister so the judge put her in the witness’ box.

“Objection your honour!” the defendant’s lawyer shouted in disapproval.

“Overruled!” the judged replied while gripping his hammer tightly.

The cross-questioning began and the defendant incessantly denied all claims by the witness that he either fought with, cheated on or lied to his wife.

It wasn’t much longer before the defendant jumped up out his seat and exclaimed to the judge, “Your honour, I could never lie to or cheat on my wife because my business partners would have me killed should they get the least hint that I have a tendency to break rules.”

“Oh yeah?” the judge enquired. “And which business partners are you referring to?”

The defendant answered without hesitation, “The Mafia.”


0000-000-055 – The Most Obvious Find So Far
From watching Mean Girls and Batman Beyond one can easily extrapolate that schway is related to grool.


0000-000-056 – ROFLMFAO x2
Bruce Wayne: “When I was your age women used to throw themselves at my feet.”

Terry McGinnis: “What did you do?”

Bryce Wayne: “Step over them.”

Terry McGinnis: “Smooth!”


0000-000-057 – I Crap You Not
In South America the chicas call me Papi Getsome.
In Toronto the chix call me Sir Shag-A-Lot.
In USA chix call me Huge Manhood.
In India ladies call me Hugh Mansood.
In France wimin call me Monsieur Plaisir.
In Quebec femmes call me Ménage Contour.


0000-000-058 – How To Make A Good Girl Go Bad
A Saintly grown girl turned eighteen and her parents were preparing to send her off to the convent to become a nun. They went to the mall to get stuff for their send-off party. I bumped into them and couldn’t resist the gem that was glowing in front of my eyes so I got my ‘devil’s advocacy’ on.

I laid it down on her like this, “Dang girl! How many times do I have to hit that before the government declares a natural disaster?”

From that evening she went home she has been throwing stones at her priest.


0000-000-059 – Beauty, The Beast and The Backstabber
A high roller invited his wife’s corporate boss over on a regular basis to play high stakes poker. They decided to start with a $10 000 wager and play ‘go for broke’ or ‘all or nothing’. In this method, the amount of money won in the last game will be the wager in the next game and it will have to be matched by any other player involved. Instead of using chips or cash they wrote cheques.

They played for six hours and finally hit the $5 000 000 maximum wager limit they set. The boss picked up his hand and realized that he had royal flush which he was certain was a sure win so he decided to call for a raise by doubling the bet. This would put the pot at $20 000 000 should the husband agree. He looked at his hand and decided to bluff the boss by suggesting that they double the pot instead.

Without hesitation the boss reached for the book in his breast and quickly wrote the $10 000 000 cheque and threw it on the table. The husband matched him in a calmer gesture. The pot was now up to $30 000 000.

They looked each other in the eyes as if they were wearing wide-brimmed hats and smoking smuggled Cuban cigars like Clint Eastwood would. The boss laid down his royal flush on the stack of cheques, running the five cards across his index fingers, one at a time, like a dealer would. With heartfelt confidence and a cunning smile on his face he proceeded to pull the stack of cheques towards him.

The husband stopped him and laid down five of a kind on top of his cards in the same gesture as he did. He whistled The Good, The Bad and The Ugly tune, downed his last gulp of whiskey and proceeded to arrange the cheques from his haul in order.

With the boss still sitting at the table the husband decided to poke some words of torment is his direction by bragging annoyingly, “Pardon me for sounding immature but you suck!”

The boss hit him back with a bout of reality by exclaiming savagely, “Listen up buddy! I don’t know what kind of lies your wife has been filling your head with during your pillow talks but she went first.”


0000-000-060 – Poetic Injustice
I’ve had the privilege of reciting a piece of poem to an elite crowd once when one of the ladies in the midst exclaimed, “Well aren’t you Oscar Wilde.”

I was way too quick on the counter with, “No-no-no-no-no! I recite poems for females only!”


0000-000-061 – Yawns!
I think I need to brush up on my Danish, and my Spanish.


0000-000-062 – 3bute To Picasso… And Others
So I went into this antique furniture store once and I noticed they had a lot of ancient-looking paintings hanging on the walls. A particular piece with some abstract objects on it caught my attention.

I sought the attendant’s permission to admire it up close and personal and he granted. Like a connoisseur, which I am not, I decided to get my CSI on to check the painting’s authenticity.

I dried every speck of dust or sweat from the index and middle fingers on my right hand and proceeded to massage the canvas in a circular fashion. I won’t deny, I almost had an orgasm from the feel of the smoothness of the texture. If the image painted on it was a beautiful woman she would have had one.

Overwhelmed by the sensation, I mumbled passionately in a smooth and calm outburst, “Gorgeous!”

The comment made the room so silent that you could hear the wind blowing in the background of the paintings. The attendant and his attendee gave me a cold dense stare like I was some sort of serial killer. The he inquired, “Why don’t you and the painting get a room?”


0000-000-063 – Freudalism 10.0
I chose to live my life by obeying the very fundamental rules for I have realized, from a very tender age, that, by doing so, I won’t get landed in prison and do hard time, like a multitude of others are doing now, for the pettiest crap, especially that nasty sex crime stigma you won’t be able to cleanse your name of for the rest of eternity.

I figured that, should one go to prison in his lifetime, it should be for something well worth it. (I’m going to make a list of offenses that I consider moral for a ‘real man’ to do time for and ones I consider not.) Please don’t consider this an ‘invitation to treat’ to compare me to any of them mafia people.

I was having a conversation with someone I misconcepted for someone he obviously wasn’t and he stressed that he realized that I am the kind of person that would walk away from a fight rather than indulge. So I rebutted that, due to the small-minded people I encounter in my everyday life with their petty fights I have come to the conclusion that the juice isn’t worth the squeeze.

The philistine went Pearl Harbour on me by calling me a square so I make no hesitation to capitalize on the opportunity to transform into ‘Freud mood’ and explained to him that, FHI (third person), it takes six squares to make up the faces of a Rubik’s cube, which is the most sophisticated piece of object he will ever come across in his pathetic lifetime and he could never, in the history of mankind, manage to develop an IQ high enough to solve one of them.


0000-000-064 – Mafia Manson
It is customary for the mafia to own Laundromats. Don’t ask me why, it probably has something to do with money laundering. What can I say? The mafia has a keen literary sense of poetry after all.

We also have to give it to the mafia that, while ‘handling their business’, in the process of ‘eliminating competition’, it is quite scarce, if not almost impossible, for innocent bystanders to become victims of their ‘cause’. However, a superior tactician like Dwight Eisenhower, George S. Patton or Sir Winston Churchill would ask, why eliminate a soldier when you could put him to good use?

My advice to the mafia: think outside the box, or rather, contradictory, inside the box. Whenever you manage to capture a soldier from another family that you consider a threat to your ‘organization’, instead of killing him, take him to the Laundromat, stick him inside one of the washers, submit your coin, get the washer rolling and give him a thorough brainwashing and get him to serve your family then use him to infiltrate his former family.


0000-000-065 – Not-So-Cruel Intentions
Two practicing priests were listening to a daily programming on their local radio station. A young nun was reading the local news when one of them asked the other, “What do you admire about this woman?”

The other one replied, “Apart from the fact that she has a voice that suggests she has a body you would want to screw the living life out of?”

The first one enquired in amazement, “Good god man! Why would you want to pervert such an irresistible woman?!”


0000-000-066 – What Would Churchill Say?
“Women, I treat them like diapers. A fresh one for each baby.”


0000-000-067 – Sadism 2.0?
I was walking through a park one day when someone shouted out my name. I looked in his direction and realized it was one of my main homies from high school. I also realized that he had four beauty pageant-type chicks in his presence. He urged me, “Why don’t you come over here and hang out with these b*****s?”

Shocked by his utterance, I walked up to him and enquired, “Is that any way to address women?”

Then he proceeded to school me like a true mack, “You don’t get it do you? When women are this flawlessly beautiful there’s nothing you can call them to insult them.”


0000-000-068 – What If A Dog Could Actually Bite Off Its Own Tail?
I was told that I am not unique. I must humbly admit that I do agree with that person 100%. And I must solidify my agreement by further revealing that, in the same way every person is equally self-centered, I incessantly brag that I am extraordinarily irregular.


0000-000-069 – Where Does The Confusion Stop?
I learnt that an apostrophe is used to show ownership as in the case of ‘The student prefers to travel on the school’s bus (the bus that belongs to the school)’.

As my learning progressed I learned that: ‘It’s not smart to teach a dog to chase its own tail.’


0000-000-070 – And For Those Who Have A Tendency To Debate Everything…
We should not be the least disordered to discover that ‘a hero’ should not be paid the regular salary ‘an hour’.


0000-000-071 – The Almighty Sarcasm
I saw this bumper sticker once that read ‘EXPLETIVES ARE FOR P*****S’.


0000-000-072 – Inappropriate
I was doing an independent Social Sciences project for the sole purpose of enlightenment so I decided to call the office of an orphanage and get some statistics from the head nun. I should be disappointed to hear one of her younger assistants on the other end of the of the line telling me that she wouldn’t be in for the rest of the month but, being the Mack that I am, I took the opportunity to complement her on the beautiful tone of voice she had over the phone. She did sound like one of them chicks on the phone love lines.

She was more than modest to accept my complement and I could tell she was fluffing her hair and accessorizing from the change in her tone of voice. At this stage she was too vulnerable to resist so I decided to play devil’s advocate.

I dropped my voice to the deepest and smoothest level possible; put my feet up on the computer desk I was working on; pushed back in my armchair comfortably and enquired feverishly, “So, what are you wearing?”


0000-000-073 – Ambitionz As A Saint
I’m gonna write a rap song soundtrack for Varsity Blues, dedicate it to Sarah Palin and call it ‘Hot 4 Teacher’.


0000-000-074 – Bilbo Baggins’ Special
Being me, nothing is difficult to understand. If it is difficult to understand then it is understandable.


0000-000-075 – “I Am Self-Made Dammit!”
A wealthy businessman, on hearing of the many talents of a promising youngster in his area, proposed to buy him a luxury car in a telephone conversation.

The youngster replied, “Hell No! Being that I am the master of my own future, instead of buying me a big expensive fish, why not buy me a ticket to travel to the most fertile waters around the world so that I can harness my own catch?”


0000-000-076 – On A Depressing Note…
One of the world’s foremost novelists was on her deathbed when she requested to see the village priest. While by her side the priest asked her if she had any confessions to make. She said no. He then asked her if she had any recollection of the most gruesome thing she had witnessed during her lifetime. She told the priest that she could vividly recall witnessing a woman spitefully burning a book then she travelled to another place and saw a child that was so poor that he couldn’t afford a book.


0000-000-077 – Gonzo, Sleaze & Snuff Regrets
A serial killer, determined to make his newly founded career a success, broke into the house of his, would be, second victim. While he was there waiting he noticed a Charles Manson picture in one of the frames on the wall over his head so he thought to himself, .oO(Crap! Wrong set!)


0000-000-078 – Gonzo, Sleaze & Snuff Reject
The serial killer decided to find another turf so he went outside to join his ‘family’ that was waiting for him and they agreed to try the other neighborhood two blocks up the street. They found a very cozy suburban spot and thought it couldn’t be disappoint twice in one night so they all broke into a mansion and began to prepare for their victims’ arrival by setting up the video camera on the tripod.

One of them made a discovery that would prove their logical analytic skills futile: Charles Manson’s name written over the door in blood. The leader of the family directed, “Cut! Wrong Set!”


0000-000-079 – When The Boss Is Away The Gardener Is Nowhere To Be Found
A very wealthy businessman was feeling a bit woozy one day so he decided to go home a few hours early to get some rest. On arriving at his house he realized that his gardener, who usually waits until he arrives to leave, was nowhere in sight. As he walked through the yard and approached the house he realized that his tools were lying by the side of the walkway and not in the shed where they should be.

He hurriedly opened the front door to his mansion to use the house phone to call the gardener to find out what happened but his wife’s giggles and a vibrating sound coming from the master bedroom, which door wasn’t totally closed, got his attention.

He rushed upstairs, pushed the door open, and, bewildered by what he saw, he commanded to his gardener angrily through his teeth while clenching his fists, “Put down the vibrator and step away from the vagina.”


0000-000-080 – The Man In The Mirror Has Extremist Tendencies And Can’t Help It
A very popular pastor once alleged that the skimpy clothes that the young women nowadays wear is one of the main reasons why they are raped. I’ve recently discovered that one his colleagues is doing hard time in the can for raping his own teenage daughter.


0000-000-081 – Decisions, Decisions, …
I once thought that without music we are doomed; then I thought that that might be an extremist ideology; then I thought that, had people in places like Somalia and war-ravaged Eastern Europe were more involved in music then there would be less devastation in these places and what had happened in the past might just not have happened at all.


0000-000-082 – Confessions Is Good For The Sole… And His Future, Apparently
A choir boy, coming from practice, walked up to a cheerleader, coming from practice at a college nearby and said to her, “Pardon me politeness but I must confess to you that whenever I lock myself in my room at nights and masturbate I think only of you and have a picture of you dressed in that exact outfit in my head.”

The cheerleader replied, while gasping with modesty, “Oh my. What a darling you are.”

He continued, with a bit of stutter, “I must also take this opportunity to express my greatest gratitude to you.”

She probed eagerly, “Really? How else could I have possibly made a gracious contribution to your perfect life?”

He further enlightened her, “This has contributed to the development of my creative imagination thus enhancing my artistic skills.”


0000-000-083 – Ain’t That The Truth
Two people that it is impolite ask them their age: women and Jesus.


0000-000-084 – If Only Puns Were True And Lies Weren’t
A sick twisted woman was lying on a hospital bed. Did I mention she was a contortionist?


0000-000-085 – Who’s The Best Rapper?
A ‘southern folk’ showed up at a Hip Hop convention in the NYC wearing hard boots covered in clay dirt; a mesh hat with the white sponge front with the words ‘Got Beef?’ embroidered on it; plaid shirt with rolled up sleeve and opened front showing the T-shirt under it and semi-tight jeans older than the Shroud of Turin. He also packed a sawed-off double-barreled shottie, which he had to stash under the tarpaulin covering the back of his old school six-wheeler parked outside the building, at the request of the security at the door. And to top off his redneck attire? A piece of hay between his teeth.

He passed the security check, signed his name to verify his attendance and got the chance to show off his ‘skillz’ immediately. He took the stage, with the piece of hay still between his teeth, the audience was quiet, and he said nothing. After a moment of hesitation, the MC walked over to join him on the stage and covered the microphone and whispered to him, “Spit! You have to spit bruh! That’s the only way to prove you are worthy.”

He replied with the quickness a true contender should, “Heck! I done spatted over Southern California and them god darn Fed folks done charged me for gross indecency.”


0000-000-086 – Jedi Reverse Psychology
A corporate executive made a few bad investments and lost all of his life's earnings on the stock market. Like all failed corporate executives would, he climbed up onto the top of a one hundred story building in the NYC and decided that that's where he would end it all. While he was up there, a police officer, on the ground, spotted him and tried to talk him into to coming down on a loudspeaker but he did not appear to be the least bit convinced. Another police officer came on the scene and discovered that the jumper was someone that was involved in a case that he had to deal with in the past.

Realizing that his methods were being futile, the first police officer turned his head to ask the second police officer beside him if he had any ideas that might work but he was nowhere to be found. It was almost as if he disappeared into thin air. The first police officer made a 180 degrees turn and discovered that the second police officer was rushing out of an alley with a rather shoddy-dressed-looking man beside him.

On arriving on the scene, the man grabbed the loudspeaker from the first police officer, looked up at the jumper and started shouting, JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! The jumper looked at the man holding the loudspeaker keenly and, as if he recognized him, rushed from the edge of the top of the building and disappeared from the view of the crowd that has gathered on the scene by this.

In about 30 seconds, the front door of the building opened and the jumper rushed out like a quarterback and tackled the man holding the loudspeaker and applied a choke hold on him immediately and proceeded to punch him in the face while he shouted in a rage, “Oh you m****rf****r! Now that you've gotten my wife pregnant you would love to see me jump to take over my bed don't you?!”


0000-000-087 – Is There A Translator In The House?
A crowd of crusaders from various countries around the world was standing on the outside of a traditional church waiting for a ceremony to begin. While waiting, they took the opportunity to get acquainted with each other. A Texan and an Australian were locked tight in a very heated debate when they paused for a while then the Texan explained, “I think I might just go inside and take a pew.”

The Australian looked at him shocked and, with his eyes rolled out, he exclaimed, “By God George! One would think the bushes would be a more appropriate place to indulge in such an activity mate!”


0000-000-088 – Up To The Lip The Tongue Can Slip, Or Not
An European priest was relocated to a city in South America to administer to a particular district there. In an effort to make him feel welcome and at home, various hosts invited him as guest on their television and radio shows.

On his first appearance on a conservative television family show, he bragged to the host how much he had put out the extra effort back home to try and learn some español. Part of this effort included watching all the movies in his DVD collection with the Spanish audio stream on instead of the English one. This, he alleged, helped him to get familiar with the regular expressions used in everyday Spanish vocabulary.

Impressed, the host, at first, asked him to give a list of some of the expressions he learned, but, before he could start listing them, the host asked him to, rather, give his favorite expression of them all.

Without hesitation, the priest slapped his thigh with his palm and exclaimed, “¡Coño!”


0000-000-089 – Stick To Your Day Job? Probably Night.
A mafia underboss, after performing the ultimate feat of saving his boss from a daring assassination, I mean, whacking, attempt, got the chance to upgrade when his boss offered to help him pursue any career of his choice provided that he still remains loyal to the family and swear to continue protecting the boss at all costs. He jumped at the opportunity.

His choice of career upgrade? A recording artist. He idolizes Sinatra.

The boss got him the best and most expensive voice trainer money could buy, who happened to be a top graduate from the Juilliard School of Music.

On the first day of his voice training lessons he was more than willing to be punctual for class for he had to be loyal to his cause. During class the obvious learning pattern to match his mafia persona emerged.

His trainer was trying to get him to hit various kinds of notes but he seemed to be stuck in the same tone of voice. After more than a few attempts to achieve this goal, applying the best known techniques in the book, the trainer realized that she was getting nowhere with him so she had to ask, annoyed, “What is it with you man?! Why can’t you make just a simple change each time and make life easier for both of us so we can complete this lesson?”

The he replied, mumbling clueless, “Ionno. Loyalty?”


0000-000-090 – IMHO
Success starts at the earliest point in your life that you discovered that, “I’m gonna die doing this.”


0000-000-091 – O-K?
I was dating a very gorgeous chick once and one morning after one of our passionate early morning sessions she was laying on the bed and I was standing at the window staring at the vegetation while we were indulging in a conversation.

She was particularly appreciating the fact that she was with someone who she could converse with. I told her not to love me too much yet for I might just cheat on her should the right beauty come along.

A few days after while I was walking in the park alone I met another woman of similar features and personality so I decided I would play devil’s advocate and ‘tap that ‘. We did the dirty at my house hoping we wouldn’t get caught. Or maybe.

It was too late to stash her out the back door by the time a key starts turning in the front lock and I knew I only gave one copy of my key to one person. The door opened and my girlfriend was standing there with her mouth wide opened so I did the decent thing by asking the other chick to get dressed and leave. She obliged.

My girlfriend threw a fit then enquired furiously, “How could you?! I though you promised that you would never cheat on me! The other morning when you made mention of it I never take it to mean anything because I thought you were just cloning around!”

And then I hit her with my Jedi mind trick, “Have you realized that you have just contradicted yourself in the speech you have just made? Haven’t I promised you that I would never do anything behind your back before first mentioning it to you? And haven’t I made mention of this incident the other morning before I did it just now?”

She tried to analyze me after that but ended up in a straightjacket.


0000-000-092 – The Almighty Pun
Mick Jagger and one of his band mates were locked in a heartfelt conversation when he revealed to him, “I think it’s about time I start looking for a nice little bird to settle down with. I don’t plan to be a Rolling Stone all my life.”


0000-000-093 – Don’t Hate The Player
I was asked by a beautiful woman why do I have a tendency to have an appetite for more than one woman at a time. She also asked me why not just get one desirable woman and settle down with her. I told her that, being that I am the adventurous type, I want to have a little fun in life and I am so good a relationships that I am scared if I should commit we might die of old age together.

0000-000-094 – How To Get What You Did Not Get When You Asked For It By Not Asking For It
I got this other dime from around my block on my buddy list that I was always trying to persuade to let me 'tap that'. The responses remain the same over the years: “Dream on!”

It was when I almost forgot that she even had what I desired that she got a new hairdo and was showing it off on webcam. I genuinely complemented her about how much it made her look like 'Her Royal Highness'. Realizing that socializing is the greatest pleasure I would get to share with her, I told her that a hairstyle like that doesn't deserve to stay inside the house so she should put on a nice dress with some boots to match it and let us go out and see an evening movie.

And unexpectedly, with that gesture, I touched the right spot, and she gasped and replied, “You are so getting laid when we get back!”


0000-000-095 – How God Works (For Dummies)
Two soldiers who happened to be best friends were going to war. One of them had a pocket bible with him that he never stopped reading on his four hour journey. His friend, who was a bit of a skeptic, mentioned the fact that where they were going is the last place anyone would find God so it wasn't necessary to carry a bible. He told his friend that he took the bible along with him just in case there was a God.

They paired up on the battlefield and were side-by-side fighting when an enemy troop threw a grenade in their direction. They both suffered injuries and were laying helpless a bit apart from each other. The enemy troops advanced in their direction to make sure no one was left alive. They first reached the one who didn't have a bible and shot him in the head and killed him. When they reached the one with the bible he was laying there clutching it in his palm. The enemy troops saw this and decided not to shoot him but rather leave him to bleed out. Incidentally, reinforcement arrived just after the enemy troops left he didn't die after all. They put him on a stretcher and a medic who was with them dressed his wound and they flew him to safety.


0000-000-096 – Do You Hear That Mister Anderson...?
A mechanic charmed a policeman's wife into loving him. She ran off with the mechanic and left a note on the nightstand in her husband's bedroom notifying him of what she had done. The policeman did his investigations and found out where the mechanic lived and decided to pay him a visit.

When the policeman arrived at the mechanic's house neither him nor the wife was there. The policeman came up with the bright idea of breaking into the mechanic's house to see if he could gather any information on where they could be. While he was inside the house the mechanic and his wife returned home and caught the policeman inside. The policeman was too embarrassed to confront the mechanic about his wife but instead, the mechanic scolded him for breaking into his house.

The mechanic decided to report the matter to the local police and a warrant was served for the policeman to appear in court regarding the issue. On the day of court the policeman argued to the judge that it was out of desperation that he did what he did but the judge despised the deed on the basis that he's a man of the law who should be upholding it.

After a period of deliberation the judge arrived at a verdict. He ruled that, because the policeman broke into the mechanic's house without a warrant, the mechanic could keep his wife.


0000-000-097 – Hain't That The Fact...
An enthusiast once asked me what makes me irate and I told him people who don't quote movies and he was like, “MOTHER OF PEARL!!! SUMMON GEORGE BUSH!!! WE HAVE FOUND BIN LADEN!!!


0000-000-098 – The Madness In The Art
A man walked into an art gallery to speak to the attendant when a piece of art on the opposite wall caught his eyes. He stared at it for a minute then fall to the floor dead.

A woman walked into the store after that and started staring at it. The attendant begged her not to stare at it because she will die.

Puzzled, she asked the attendant if it was such a lethal piece then why was it hung on the wall facing him.

The attendant replied, “I hung it there so that it can remind me not to stare at it,


0000-000-099 – Freudian Slime
A very attractive head cheerleader, who worked part-time at a hospital, used work as the perfect alibi to spend a night with me. She was also a part-time student at a college nearby that her husband happened to attend also. The day after the night of the incident, she and her husband were in the same math class sitting together. She was staring out the window and appeared quite dazed when the math teacher asked a question that she didn't hear. Her husband nudged her to get her attention back to the lessons and then the teacher repeated the question.

He asked, “How many inches are in a mile?"
She replied without thinking, “Nine!"


0000-000-100 – Don't Be Dissin' God
A bunch of éses were driving pass a church when they realized that something was written on the side of it that wasn't there before. They stopped and went on the premises to investigate what it was and discovered that it was an expletive with a gang sign beside it. Being that it was the church that they all grew up in, they were all enraged to see it being vandalized like that so one of them exclaimed, “Now what stupid #&$*#@# #&*$#Q&* would do such a @&*#$ up thing like that? If I ever lay hands on that #@*%& #*$@!&* homes, I swear I will rip his #$&*@! heart out!”


0000-000-101 – ...And Suddenly I Am Overwhelmed By The Feeling That I Am The Only Sane Person Alive
Exodus 20:14 has got me thinking: why's adultery's got the word 'adult' in it? And, being that the word 'adult' constitutes the ability to give consent, why shalt thou not? The logical mind would think that consent is more important than commitment based on the logic that a committed man can still commit an offense against his wife... hmmm!